Resistance

"You're being really resistant to this." 

I'm a psychology major.  I know the dangers of anorexia.  I know what can happen if I don't seek help.  I know that if I keep going down this path, I am at risk for all of these things:

• Anemia
• Amenorrhea and the inability to have children
• Osteopenia/osteoporosis
• Heart rhythm abnormalities
• Heart attacks 
• Brain shrinkage
• Kidney complications including kidney stones and kidney failure
• Depressed immune system
• Fluid and mineral abnormalities
• Constipation due to low calories and fiber intake
• High cholesterol levels
• Death
• Abnormal blood counts
• Elevated liver enzymes
• Seizure
• Lanugo
• Low blood pressure
• Dehydration
• Shutdown of major body systems
• Increased risk for bone breakage

As well as worsening of what I am experiencing right now: 

• Slowness of thought and impaired concentration
• Feeling cold
• Dry skin
• Hair loss
• Mood swings 
• Sleep disturbance
• Depression
• Fatigue
• Dizziness and fainting
• Brittle nails

I know how bad all of these things are for me.  I know the importance of early intervention for eating disorders.  I know that it's only going to get worse from here on out.  And I'm still going to be resistant to any form of treatment.

If I was one of my friends, I would argue and fight for them to go get help.  I wouldn't give up on them until they were seeing a therapist and a nutritionist and a medical doctor.  But it's not a friend in this situation.  It's me.

I am against the idea of going to the counseling center here at school because they don't know what they're doing most of the time.  And I don't want to end up with another Alanna situation, where I'm only getting worse because the therapist isn't trained well enough to help me.  So I was told that I have to talk to someone from my old team at home to figure out what to do here.  And initially, I was on board with this.  I emailed Katie, tried to set up a time to talk with her, but she never called me.  My professor is pushing me to make a phone call to her myself, but I won't.

It's not that I can't.
I just won't.

And I think that this is the most frustrating thing of all for me... I know what I need to do.  I know the steps that I need to take.  I know how to find professionals in this area outside of the college counseling center.  And you know what?  I'm fighting it all the way.

I know what I'm doing isn't healthy.  I know the steps I have to take in order to get better.  But for whatever reason--whatever psychological/physiological reason--I won't do it because I am not willing to give up the control I have right now.  I'm not willing to admit to poor self-image and poor opinions of myself.  And I'm not willing to give up what has become so comforting to me.

That's why I'm resisting.  And honestly, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get past it.  Last time I had parents forcing me, but this time... this time I have to want it.

And right now, I'm not sure that I do.