Thursday, January 10, 2013

It's 6am...

It's 6am. 

It's 6am and I have yet to go to sleep for the night. 

It's 6am and I am extremely dehydrated, I can't remember the last time I ate three meals in one day, and I have a migraine. 

All I've done for the past few days is watch Grey's Anatomy. Or go out with old high school friends. Or plan for my future. 

I don't know what this is. 

I don't know what it means. 

Is this a relapse? 

Is this a new form of depression? 
Is this just who I am? 
Does it matter? 

I am tired. 

I am tired of depression. 
I am tired of sleeplessness. 
I am tired of eating disorders. 
I am so freaking tired. 

I am tired of questioning and wondering and comparing and judging and hating everything about myself. 

I am tired of not being understood, of not having an acceptable illness to talk about, of thinking that I need to be the best at everything, of denying the reality that is facing me. I am tired of parents and college and growing up and the real world. I am tired of caring when I am not being cared for. I am tired of having to fix things that I can't fix, of looking for help in all the wrong places, of not knowing what to do. 

But mostly, I am just plain tired.
I need sleep.