Saturday, January 5, 2013

Same Old Things.

Going off to college, I thought that things would be different. I thought that I wouldn't have the same old struggles. I thought that life with my family would magically be better. I thought that I would know the purpose of my life.

Turns out I was wrong.
About all of it.

That's the thing about leaving one place and starting over new. What was in your mind stays with you. People, places, all changes. But your thoughts stay.

And you change, when you leave. And you forget that when you come back, things are going to be exactly how you left them. Your family will have the same old problems. You will react in the same ways. And too easily, you slip back into the person you once were.

It's all too easy.

Why haven't I changed? I have. Why hasn't anything gotten better? It hasn't. I just haven't had to deal with it like this in a while.

So I forgot.

I forgot how I used to shut down and shut everyone out.
I forgot how I would numb myself to every emotion because it was just too difficult to deal with this.
I forgot how destructive I could be when I couldn't block any of this out.

It's time this changed.
Past time to let go.

And this letting go...
It's a process.