Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Hello darkness, my old friend

I don't think that I've had a night this bad in a long, long time.  I'm assuming that it's some sort of combination of low blood sugar, depression, exhaustion, and stress.  I don't know.  All I know is that I am spiraling into depression.  Not the suicidal, I want to die depression.  But the I literally cannot move off of my bed and function kind of depression.

Which kind of really, really stinks because I have an exam tomorrow.  For which I have not reviewed my notes, read the chapters, or prepared in any way, shape, or form.  So that's how my night is going. And literally at this point, I am considering keeping my butt in my bed all day tomorrow because functioning is not a thing that is going to happen any time soon.

I don't know why it is all so hard.  It shouldn't be.  I mean, I logically know that depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain.  I know that there's really nothing that I can do to help myself get through it.  Well, other than take my medication (which I'm scared to start doing without seeing a psychiatrist), exercise (which is triggering for my eating disorder), eat right (which is not going to happen right now), get enough sleep (I'm in college...), and talk to a therapist (which won't help, yay chemical imbalances!).  But knowing what I have to do and doing it are two completely different things...

And even just looking at the irrationality of my thoughts and emotions right now... it's rather frustrating.  The fact that it's starting to impact, at a very drastic level, things that I fought so hard to keep, is not okay.  My schoolwork, my job, my friendships... I don't know.

Normally I would nurse my depression by staying in bed all day and watching Netflix or television and not eating.  I would spend the day sleeping and not caring that I wasn't getting anything done.  But I actually have responsibilities tomorrow.  Like my exam.  And the prospie.  And Big/Little APO Revs.

So I cannot avoid it all.  My desire to please people is going to overcome my depression once again.  Well.  At least my desire to fulfill my immediate obligations is going to.  I'm not sure about things like class or lunch/dinner dates or my exam.  Because right now, I don't think I could even attempt to manage it.

Everything just seems really hard right now.

And I know that I really need to go talk to someone about this.  I know that I'm not doing okay and that I need to sit down and be real with someone, but there's two obstacles to this that I am experiencing.

The first one is relatively common with people with depression.  I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling to anyone.  Not even psychology people.  My friends will not understand it.  My roommates, my family... None of them will really get it unless they've been there.  Or they'll be like my mom was and continually ask me how I'm feeling or if I'm doing any better today than I was yesterday.  And even those who know that I'm struggling with things right now, I feel like I can't tell them because I don't know how to explain what I am feeling in words to anyone.  I just feel it.

I did, however, read an article the other day that very accurately captured what depression feels like.  You can read it here.

There is also a very accurate Buzzfeed post that captures depression very well.


Then there's the fact that I am definitely still in denial about how bad things are getting.  I mean, what logical reasoning did I have behind not wanting to talk to my parents about all of this or about not wanting to leave school to take care of my health?  I don't know.  But if I'm at the point where I am counting calories, taking pills, obsessing over weight, not being able to concentrate on my academics, forgetting that I have things to do, not moving out of my bed for long periods of time, and all of the other symptoms that existed during my senior year and still do not care, then I am not well enough to be here.

But I also think that a lot of it has to do with the depression that I'm struggling with right now.  Depression causes apathy.  And it also causes a lot of other things, as well.  Like the urge to want to cry to someone and be held and loved and taken care of because I am at my breaking point, but the simultaneous need to isolate and remain silent and not talk about it because social interaction is really just too much.

But then, even if I spoke about how I'm feeling, people would not understand.  Or they would walk away.

Keeping friends right now is very, very difficult.  Mainly because social interaction is difficult.  Getting out of bed is difficult.  Breathing is difficult.  All of those autonomic functions that are supposed to be normal and natural--they're about five hundred thousand times more difficult when you are experiencing severe depression like I am right now.  People don't want to be friends with you or try to help you when you can't even get out of bed.

Then there's the fact that people don't understand how the connection between eating disorders and depression works.  Did the eating disorder cause the depression?  In which case, just start eating again and the depression will get better.  Did the depression cause the eating disorder?  Well, that sucks, but you have to get up and eat.  Sadness isn't an excuse for not eating.  I don't even understand how it works.  My psychiatrist doesn't either.

What people can do, however, is be there for support.  Here are a couple of links on how to help friend who is struggling with depression.  Keep in mind that these may not work with everyone, but from what I've read, they seem relatively okay.  Some of these things have worked in the past for me and my friends, while some haven't.  But check these out:

How to Help a Depressed Friend (And When to Stop Trying)
Five Ways to Help a Depressed Friend

I'm going to be struggling with this for a very, very long time.  It may or may not ever get better. Right now, I'm leaning more toward the not part of that.  I'm probably always going to have depressive episodes.  And every time, they are going to suck.  They are going to be miserable and make me want to pull my hair out and push people away and cry and stay in bed and not move ever.

Just like right now.

And right now, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.  Because I feel too overwhelmed and depressed and stressed out and too much nothingness and loneliness and emptiness and exhaustion to deal with this in any sort of relatively healthy manner.  Maybe tomorrow things will be better... But I really doubt it.