Monday, November 11, 2013

I think I'm scared...

I'm really bad at emotions.  I hate them, actually.  Having them, feeling them, identifying them, expressing them, communicating them... its all hard for me.  

These past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion for me, as much as I hate to admit it.  I've gone from not really feeling anything to anger to apprehension to fear to more anger and I don't know what all else.  Like I said, I am really bad at emotions.  

But right now, I think that I am just afraid.  

I spoke with my mom this weekend for the first time about what has been going on.  Like picked up the phone and called her.  Needless to say, she did not react in a way that I wanted.  That made me angry.  I threw my phone and yelled at my roommate and stormed off.  Exactly how I used to act as a child when I would get angry.  I calmed down a bit, received an angry text from my dad, and then I got angry all over again.  

Sunday morning, I woke up feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I knew that I only had a few more days left here, at Gettysburg, and that worried me.  I knew I was going to have to speak with my suitemates about what was happening, which worried me.  And I still had not heard back again from my parents, which isn't normal, so that also worried me.  

I don't like emotions, especially anxiety because you have to feel it full out--it's not one that can be numbed out with sleeping or television or walks or anything. With depression or angry, I can numb out by sleeping or watching a movie.  I don't have to feel it in order to get through it, and so I don't.  But as much as I try to numb out my anxiety and ignore it, it never actually works.  

I woke up in a panic from a 'nightmare' at 4:30 am this morning.  In it, I was seeing people and having conversations with people who were not able to be seen by other people.  Talking to and seeing people who did not even exist.  I know how crazy that is, even though in my dream, I was on campus in Gettysburg, where people apparently see ghosts all the time.  

I don't believe in ghosts.  
I woke up because I literally went insane in my dream.  

No one is awake at 4:30 am.  Not even my brother, who I'm pretty sure doesn't actually sleep ever.  I typed a note in my phone that says, What if I'm actually crazy?  What if there is really something wrong with me?  I then put some music on and tried to go back to sleep.  I woke up every 15 minutes gasping for air, in tears, until 7:20, when I just decided to give up on sleeping any more.  

At that point, my roommate was awake, so I was able to talk to her about what was going on.  And I told her about my fears of actually being crazy (I do have an uncle with schizophrenia and it does manifest itself around this time in people's lives), and it was her that suggested that maybe it's just my anxiety and fear about this whole situation that is getting away from me.  That maybe that is why I'm not sleeping well and I'm lashing out and my dreams are weird.  

I'm beginning to think that she's right.  I am afraid.  As much as I try to portray that I am not afraid, I am.  So much so this time than every other time I have been forced to seek treatment over the past six years.  

I think it's because this time, I actually want the help.  I want to recover.  Not because I have to in order to work at camp.  Not so that I can go to college in another state.  Not so that my parents will leave me the hell alone.  

I want to recover for my health, for my future, for my life.  There's so much more at stake this time.  And because of that, it is perfectly normal to have emotions like fear and anger.  It's okay to feel them.  What is not okay, however, is turning around and running because of the fear.  

I was reminded of this over the weekend by a very wise woman who has been encouraging me so much in this terrifying process of leaving school to get help: 

"Recovery is not easy. Recovery is hard. Eating disorders are easy. Eating disorders will kill you. This may be one of the hardest things you do in your life, so it's normal for you to feel really anxious and upset and stressed and scared and all of those things! Those are all okay. The right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same thing!!!"