Luckily for me, instead of dropping me completely, they allowed me to just step down into IOP, but even still, I don't feel okay with it. I feel fake because my actions and medical charts are improving, but my mental state is actually getting worse. Which is normal in eating disorder recovery world. But it makes me feel crazy because to normal people, I am getting better externally while internally I am feeling worse. It's a very frustrating process.
On the bright side, dropping to IOP, it means no more rush hour traffic, no more waking up at 6am, no more driving in the dark. It means no more exposure to one girl's defiance and protest to being in programming and no more exposure to another's hopelessness and desire to be the most pitied girl in the room. So I'm just trying to breathe through it and see how I feel at the end of the week.
1. be HAPPY!
3. come back to school and attend awesome classes
4. hang out with your Gettysburg friends
5. chat during my office hours
6. let your body recover
7. finish school and get a great job
8. get that job to help others
9. NOT let the disorder win
12. have your own kiddos someday (if that is of interest to you)
13. enjoy meeting up with friends
14. eat out in social situations and actually enjoy delicious food
15. go to church without anxiety
16. truly enjoy family gatherings
17. take back control of your emotional state
18. continue to help all of those friends that need you
19. use all of the potential that is waiting inside of you
20. simply live!
And as treatment has progressed, I've been able to add some more reasons to this list. I need to recover so I can...
21. enjoy the holidays and not fear or dread them
22. travel and visit new places and far away friends
23. have an identity outside of my disorder
24. go grocery shopping on my own
25. fully experience everything around me
26. not have my life ruled by food, calories, and weight
28. care for myself in ways that are not self-destructive
29. live freely and be able to have spontaneously with food
30. tell others that recovery from an eating disorder IS possible and actually mean it
Last night, I was asked, "What are the things you DO want? The healthy things? To come back to school, right?" And I responded with,
"Yes. And to play with kids and smile and laugh and not be self conscious while I'm doing it. I want to be fully alive and able to experience EVERYTHING--to travel. To not be afraid of the unknown. I want to have kids and a rewarding career where I get to help others. I want to love and be loved. I want to live."