Weddings and Memories

Meg, myself, and Steve after the reception.

I went to a beautiful wedding on Sunday.  My cousin, Meg, married the love of her life in New York. She made the most stunning bride.

I adore Meg.  She has helped me so much just by being a voice of reason and understanding while I've been struggling... mainly because she had been there herself.  And although neither of us are the most vocal people when in person and we don't talk all that much when we're together, she has been a great support from afar.

I cried my eyes out at her wedding when her sister gave the Maid of Honor toast.  Kate spoke about how after she left for college, Meg went through a hard time in her life.  I know, by talking with Meg, that this was when she developed anorexia.

And really this wedding was wonderful and I loved being able to attend and celebrate these two wonderful young adults.  However, it was a rough night for me.

Even if I had not been struggling with my anorexia for the past few weeks, I would have felt entirely way too insecure at that wedding.  I'm a young, single woman.  I go to see family and I get asked if I've met any boys at college.  I go to weddings and am the person who has to awkwardly wait for her dad to ask her to dance or for her brother to leave his girlfriend and dance with her.  I'm the third wheel all the time.

My fear is that I am never going to get married or even have a boyfriend, for that matter.  That I'll never find someone who will love me despite all of my insecurities and imperfections.  That no one will find me beautiful.

I guess that brings me to one of my most insecure points about that wedding.  I felt so self-conscious and judged and like everyone was judging me.  Cocktail hour was awful for the fact that it only revolves around food.  Dinner was hard.  Dessert was hardest.

It was so hard to enjoy that beautiful and amazing day when I was completely consumed with how I looked and what I was eating and how many calories were in every bite that I took.  I didn't enjoy the wedding because I was too busy feeling uncomfortable because I had food in my stomach, because I couldn't get rid of the food, and because I felt like the most hideous person there.

What I did to calm all of these feelings shocked even me.  I decided to drink.  Champagne, gin and tonic, wine, spiked cider--any of it that was available to me and that my brother would give me.  The alcohol definitely had depressant effects on my nervous system, as well as my emotions.

It was a bad night.  A bad night that should have been great.  A bad night that could have easily been avoided.

Eating disorders ruin nights.  They ruin moments.  They ruin memories.

I don't remember most of my high school years because of my eating disorder.
I don't remember that trip to Disney World with the band or the time we went to the OSU Skull Session or any of the vacations to the beach.
I don't remember laughing and having fun with my friends.

All I remember is trying to avoid the food.

I remember how one year, I wouldn't let anyone else make lunch when we were at the beach so that I could make my own food in the least caloric way possible.  I remember only eating sandwiches of lettuce and mustard.  Which are disgusting, by the way.
I remember getting into literal fights with my band directors and friends because I refused to eat lunch and they wanted to make me.
I remember one person opening a Snickers bar and handing it to me, saying "There.  I opened it for you.  Now you have to eat it."
I remember sitting on the floor on the band room after a late night football game and China hand-feeding me Cheese-Its, one-by-one.
I remember the taste of Wendy's chili the second time around.
I remember going to the park and throwing up in a soft drink cup because I didn't want anyone to know that I wasn't getting better.
I remember crying and not wanting to get out of my bed.

I remember so much more... but only about my eating disorder.

And what about memories from this wedding?  I'm only going to remember the bad.  I'll only remember how I was miserable because there was so much food.  Or how I couldn't smile and be happy because I was so depressed.  How I wouldn't go out and dance because I felt so self-conscious.  How triggered I was by the simple fact that my dress was too big.

The wedding only confirmed the idea that I'm not okay.  That I need help.  And thanks to my wonderful, gorgeous cousin, that healing and recovery are very real things.   

I wish that I could go back six years and make it all better.  That I could stop myself before any of this even started and say, "Sarah, you want to remember your band bonfires and your trips and lunch time with friends at school.  You want to remember weddings and conferences and movie nights.  You want to remember how Maddy's brownies taste or how it feels to drink hot chocolate after a long Friday night game.  Don't go down this path."

Why recovery is necessary: So that I can remember all of the good times and not just my eating disorder.

Be Imitators of Christ.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of a wonderful young woman who I have always looked to as a role model growing up. She graduated high school six years before me, but our brothers were and still are best friends to this day, so we spent quite a bit of time together.

She was such a beautiful bride and the two of them are perfect for each other... It is so encouraging to see these two newly weds truly living in a relationship that honors God. I hope that one day, I can find this same God glorifying relationship, if it is God's will for me.

At the wedding, the minister gave a brief message focusing on Ephesians 5:22-33. In it, Paul instructs wives to submit, in all things, to their husbands, just as the church submits to the Lord. But Paul instructs husbands to the far more challenging task of loving their wives just as Christ loves the church.

Christ sacrificed himself through the most humiliating death imaginable for the church--to save all of us. How easy is it, in light of that, for wives to simply submit? But yet, this world is broken to the point of husbands abusing their wives and wives not submitting and honoring their husbands. Paul really sums this up in 5:33, where he writes:

Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.

Look at our world, at the broken mess that it has become. Is a man loving his wife as himself when he drinks himself into a rage? Is he loving his wife when he is gone all week and cannot even manage a simple phone call home? Is he loving his wife when he has not bothered to take her out on a date in years? And is a wife respecting her husband when she bad mouths him in front of others? Is she submitting to him when she openly disagrees with him in front of their children?

I think, however, the more important question is, are a husband and wife who live in this type of relationship and see no issue with this type of relationship, are they honoring God with their relationship?

Twice, leading up to this passage, Paul instructs his readers to, "Be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us," (5:1) and to "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ" (5:21). And then he goes on to compare the relationship of a husband and wife to that of Christ and the church. I am not sure how much clearer that Paul could have made it for Christians:

As husband and wife, we are to live in a way that imitates Christ, therefore bringing honor to God.

But so often, even in "Christian" homes, this is not the way that a husband and wife live. And this life, that does not bring honor to God, does not set forth a good example for children to live their lives as imitators of Christ. It leads to more broken relationships, between fathers and daughters, daughters and mothers, brothers and sisters. 

Psychologically, the brokenness between a father and a mother can cause so much damage within the hearts of their children. It can lead to depression, eating disorders, anxiety, inability to have healthy relationships with others, inappropriate sexual conduct, and so many other issues. 

Paul knows this. In fact, Paul instructs fathers to "bring them [their children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (6:4). How can fathers do this when they are not living a life in imitation of Christ? By telling their children what to do, going to church on Sundays, and then returning home to not love their wife as Christ loved the church? 

No. In fact, in 1 Corinthians, Paul speaks to this idea. He tells the church in Corinth, yes, all things are lawful, but not all things are beneficial to the community (6:12-20, 10:23-24). He specifically says that as Christians, we should only do that which builds up our brothers and sisters, or in this case, our children. And once again he commands that we be imitators of Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1). 

Luckily, I had a wonderful example of how to live as an imitator of Christ shown to me by this beautiful bride and her family. I have wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ who are helping me to transcend these hurts that have so deeply wounded my heart. And I have a God, who continually shows me his love and mercy and reminds me of his promise: 

"If my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will take me in." (Psalm 27:10)

I have to continually ask my Heavenly, Perfect Father for forgiveness because I am not yet strong enough to forgive my earthly parents. I have to lean on Him for the strength to honor and respect my parents simply because God commands it from me. And I pray that I may become more like Christ, so that one day, I will be able to submit to my husband, as the church submits to Christ, just as my newly wed friend can submit to her husband. 

I urge you, fathers and mothers, live in a relationship that honors God because it greatly impacts the hearts of your children and their relationship with their Heavenly Father. Wives, submit to and respect your husbands. And husbands, love your wives as you love yourself. As fathers, you have the greatest impact on your family--you are the head of the household. Use this in a way that brings honor to God. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I now believe that God desires for EVERY father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. But more than just being there providing for them, he is to walk with them through their young lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their father in heaven. A father should love his children, and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God. He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect, and should call out his children to become responsible men and women, who live their lives for what matters in eternity. Some men will hear this, and mock it. Or ignore it. But I tell you that as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence he has given you. You can't fall asleep at the wheel, only to wake up one day and realize that your job or your hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do. Some men will hear this and agree with it, but have no resolve to live it out. Instead, they will live for themselves, and waste the opportunity to leave a godly legacy for the next generation. But there are some men, who regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did NOT do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God with all that we are and to teach our children to do the same. And whenever possible to love and mentor others who have no father in their lives, but who desperately need help and direction. And we are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous, to join us in this resolution. In my home, the decision has already been made. You don't have to ask who will guide my family, because by God's grace, I will. You don't have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ, because I will. Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? I will. Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family's history? I will. Who will pray for, and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do? I am their father. I will. I accept this responsibility and it is my privilege to embrace it. I want the favor of God and his blessing on my home. Any good man does. So where are you men of courage? Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord? It's time to rise up and answer the call that God has given to you and to say I will. I will. I will!" (Courageous)