Tuesday, January 22, 2013

What Am I Doing With My Life?

So.

Every so often, I just randomly have these panic attacks where I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. Actually, it's pretty much every day that it happens. Or. It used to be.

But today, it hit me.

I don't think that I want to be a psychology major. 

I thought that was what I wanted to do--work in a treatment center for women with eating disorders. I had it all planned out. But now, I'm not so sure. Because yes, I love helping people. I love working with people who have eating disorders. I like talking to them, relating, encouraging, sharing my story.

But if I go into psychology, I can't do that. I can't share my story like I would want to. And honestly, I don't think that it would be good for me to face potentially triggering situations all day. At least not right now.

I know I want to write.

I want to write about things that are important to me. About Jesus. About eating disorders and mental illness. About families, women's rights, children. About recovery. About hope. About politics, about America, about important people, about history.

I want to use my voice.

Last year, I remember writing a poem about how I felt like no one listened to me. That no one heard my voice. And there I was, using my voice.
Writing.
Not talking. 
Writing.

I want to write. 

I want to be that person who changes the world, who inspires the hopeless, who makes a difference in her words. I want to tell my story. I want to tell the story of others. I want to make a difference. I want to use my voice. 

If I was a psychologist, I would still write. It's not something that I ever wanted to give up. In fact, it's something that I was always planning on continuing all throughout my life. I wanted to write a book once my career got started. Or before. I didn't really care-- I just wanted to write. 

But here's the thing, if I keep writing as my focus, that doesn't mean that I can't work as an activist. In fact, it gives me even more of an opportunity to raise awareness about things that are important to me like eating disorders, sexual assault, rape, and women's rights. It gives me more time to write about things that inspire me-- President Obama, my kids, camp, Jesus. It gives me more time to use my words to tell my story, and more importantly, to tell the stories of others. 

It gives me time to work in activism. To speak out. To travel. To make a difference. To volunteer. To work with others. 

But, I don't know what I'll do for sure. 
So right now, I'm going to keep my psychology major. But I'm going to add an English with a writing concentration major. And I'm going to minor in women's studies. 

And after that, who knows? 
I'm only in my second semester of college. I don't have to have this all figured out right now. 
I have time.