Friday, February 8, 2013

Exhaustion.

I am so exhausted. 
Not tired, not stressed, not overwhelmed. 
Exhausted. 

Like the kind of tired where I can't possibly function because the urge to sleep is so overwhelming. 
Or the tired that I get when out boogie boarding in the ocean when the waves are really strong. 
Or the tired like I was just at a funeral tired. 

I forgot how exhausting this illness was. 
I forgot that it consumes me. Defines me. Destroys me. 

But what's more exhausting is the constant battle.  
I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. 
Not that it matters because it seems like I'm failing anyway--I cancelled on my therapist, am restricting, am increasing exercise, etc.  But mostly, I'm not fighting the thoughts.  I'm not denying them. 

Because right now, they seem more true than ever. 

I am so exhausted.