Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Passing Judgement Instead of Extending Love

Rainy days and people always get me down... 

I don't know what's been happening since I left my Gettysburg family for my camp "family" this summer.  At this point, I honestly have no idea if what I'm feeling is just me or if there's a real thing happening here.  But I know what I feel. 

See, ever since staff training began, I've just felt completely excluded here. Like I am not cared about and not wanted in this place. It's not everyone on staff that's been making me feel this way, but a handful of people.  And it's this handful of people that I interact with on a day-to-day basis that are making it the worst. 

For the week of staff training, I pushed it off as being "I'm a introvert. I don't function well or feel fulfilled in situations that have large numbers of people all interacting at the same time."  But then week one happened.  And in the midst of my safe haven, the role that I felt the most comfortable in, the true cliquey nature of the camp staff appeared. 

It started out simply as three fellow staff members reprimanding me and getting upset with me for doing what my boss told me to do. Excuse me, but I don't see why they felt it necessary to accuse me and blame me for doing what I was told. 

And then on Tuesday morning, they felt it was necessary to scold me for doing what, according to our policies, was absolutely nothing wrong, but because they apparently have something against me, I was yelled at and criticized and judged. For absolutely no reason. 

And to that, I simply retorted in an unpleasant manner, "I've worked here before. I know the rules. I'm not breaking any of them."  Then I walked away. And cried. 

Middle school drama does not belong in this place. It does not belong in a place where we expect no judgement from the kids and judge each other. It does not belong in a place where we accept all people and yet exclude and isolate one of our staff. It does not belong here. 

But it is. 

And I was really trying hard to not be judgemental and unloving towards a single one of them because I know that we are all human and that we are not anywhere close to perfect, but I was hurt and that hurt turned to anger and that anger made me want to justify how I was feeling, which led me to judgement. 

She hates me because she isn't as good at this as I am. 
He doesn't like me because I'm not like her, so he's stuck up. 
She hates me for God knows what reason. 

And in that same breath, as I was judging their actions towards me, I was judging their performance of their job. 

That's not how you act as a counselor!  
What's wrong with you?!  Sitting with other counselors and staring at your phone is not what you do. You're lazy. 
It's your fault she got cut with the box cutter. If you had been over here supervising, then she wouldn't have had to go to the hospital. 
You're lazy. You're incompetent. You're a bitch. You're selfish. You're an asshole. You're prideful. You don't care about anyone but yourself. Why are you here?! 

Oh wait. 
I'm no better than they are.
I'm passing judgement on them. 

See, here's the thing:  I am not here for the approval of my fellow staff.  Honestly, I'm not going to talk to any of these people again unless I work here next summer or see them around. I another four weeks, this nightmare will all be over. 

And in my narrowmindedness and hatred of these people, I am not seeing them as people who are not perfect, just as I am. I do not truly, truly know any of these people deeply and they do not know me. So where do I find the power and acceptability to pass judgement on them? 

So for the rest of this summer, I'm going to try to love people instead of judging them. My Meyers-Briggs assessment says that I have a judging personality, and I'm human, so it's going to be challenging. But as a Christian, it's what I am called to do. No exceptions. 

And as for how I feel and the rejection and hate and everything else that I feel, I don't know. I have my God. And I have friends with encouragement and love. And no matter what I feel is true, I know the truth: 
I am loved. 
I am accepted. 
I belong.