Wednesday, February 19, 2014

In 13 Days...

I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy now.
I hope you're happy how you've hurt your cause forever; I hope you think you're clever.

I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy, too.
I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission to feed your own ambition.

So though I can't imagine how, I hope you're happy right now...

SUMMARY: In the past 13 days... 
  1. I took a trip in a snowstorm to Gettysburg, with an overnight stop in Chambersburg, to see friends.
  2. I became okay with taking extra time to finish school and not graduating in four years. 
  3. I found out that I WILL be graduating in 2016!!! Even though I had to take almost a full year off of school.
  4. I chased an adorable two-year-old around the science center.
  5. Life chats!
  6. Two of my friends were hospitalized and released a few days later for mental health related reasons. 
  7. My roommate kicked serious ass at her senior recital. 
  8. I stole her picture off a bulletin board in the CUB.
  9. Katie, the nurse practitioner who works with my ED doctor, resigned. 
  10. I watched Tangled
  11. I visited my brother and a friend at CMU on my drive home. 
  12. I survived driving in another snowstorm!
  13. I got a lottery number for housing! 
  14. I was offered a volunteer position at Summa hospital in the psych ward. 
  15. I spent twenty minutes looking for my car...
  16. We've solidified our housing arrangements for next year more. 
  17. I did my taxes! 
Some other stuff happened in there, too, mostly having to do with going to see my therapist and dietitian and doctor and going to groups. And exploring Beachwood--and by Beachwood I mean, how long I can sit in Panera before they kick me out. So all sorts of good and exciting things. 

But there's this thing called impression management, which is defined in social psychology and similarly in sociology as "goal-directed conscious or unconscious processes in which people attempt to influence the perceptions of other people about a person, object or event by regulating and controlling information in social interaction" (thank you, Wikipedia). Naturally, because I am human, I do that. 

I read somewhere that everyone wants to hear that you're fine, you're doing better, taking it one day at a time, making progress. And honestly, I would be lying if I didn't say that's exactly how I feel sometimes. Not just when talking with other people about their recoveries and lives, but when talking about my own. It's comfortable and easy for me to say that I'm doing better, that treatment has made a world of difference for me. 

All of that is true. 

I am doing better. Treatment has made a difference. 

But I would be lying if I said that every day is a good day. That's false. Some days just flat out suck. And sometimes, I have days--weeks--where things just go to hell in a hand-basket and behaviors your happen and I just don't care. There are days where wanting to get better and wanting to graduate and get my PhD and travel and have kids and change the world mean nothing against my eating disorder. Sometimes things, no matter how good they look to the naked eye, are actually pretty crappy. 

In case you were wondering what really happened in the past 13 days... 
I slipped. 
My ED took over. 
I had behaviors. 
I disappointed people. 
My dietitian told me that I "have not decided to be kind to myself" and I had a mental breakdown. 
I completely blamed myself for my friends' hospitalizations. 
I cried. A lot. 
I had more behaviors. 
I got so caught up in taking care of other people that I forgot to take care of myself.
I made excuses for behaviors. 
I ignored the fact that I am sick and in treatment and that means that I cannot live normally. 
I had more behaviors. 
I disappointed the same people again. 

Recovery isn't easy. It looks easy and sounds easy to those who haven't been through it or something similar. But it's not. Sometimes it just sucks. And sometimes its impossible to be okay. That's where I'm at--the sucky and not being okay part. The part where I have to make a choice between a difficult, hard, challenging, hellish path that brings life and a much easier one that eventually brings death... A choice that seems so simple. 

The hard path, that brings life. 

But right now, I'm not so sure that I'm up for the challenge...

"Just Might (Make Me Believe)" by Sugarland

I got miles of trouble spreadin' far and wide
Bills on the table gettin' higher and higher
They just keep on comin', there ain't no end in sight
I'm just holding on tight...
I've got someone who loves me more then words can say
And I'm thankful for that each and every day
And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face
Still it's hard to find faith

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave 
You just might make me believe

Its just day to day tryin' to make ends meet
What id give for an address out on easy street
I need a deep margarita to help me unwind
Leave my troubles behind...

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave 
You just might make me believe

I used to believe in us
When times got tough
But lately I'm afraid that even love is not enough

But if you can can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave you just might make me
Oh, you just might make me
You just might make me believe