Christmas Eve Musings.

For me, Christmas has always been a time to think and reflect on the past year...the good, the bad, the ugly. It gives me an opportunity to see how I've changed and grown because of it. And this year is no different. It's brought it's changes--senior year, ED treatment, heartbreak, graduation, camp, and Gettysburg. It's definitely lots to process.

I was cleaning my room this past week, and I stumbled upon my old journal. The last time that I wrote in it was Christmas 2011. This is a poem that I wrote on that Christmas Eve:

Emptyness and saddness, 
Lonliness and numbness, 
Christmas Eve. 

No hope, only pain. 
Blood. 
Streams of red from 
Pale white. 

We'll be okay. 
You're eating. 

Craziness exits, 
Just behind you. 
It lives here, 
In my head, 
Haunting me. 

Blood. 
Let me die. 

I read that and my heart just hearts. It breaks for the girl that I used to be, the pain that I used to feel. I cannot help but thank God for all that He has done in my life over the past year. The blessings He's given me, although I never really saw them as blessings at the time. I graduated Lake High School in June 3rd in my class. I am a recovering anorexic who can eat three meals a day and be okay with it. I am no longer suicidal and I can laugh and smile again.

I am alive. 

I cannot help but cry tonight because of this. Because God saw me, a broken, hurting girl, and He cared enough to send His son to die for me. And what's more, He wrapped me in His arms and love and He took His broken daughter and began to heal her. He told me that I am beautiful. That I have value. That I have always been worthy of love.

I still struggle, almost daily, with my past and depression, but tonight, on Christmas Eve, I know that I have hope. I know that I am loved. I know that my life is going to be important to someone.

I am more than my past.

To all of you who have walked beside me in this past year, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I am so blessed to know you, for however long I may have.

To all of you who are struggling, always remember that you are never alone. There is hope. There is healing. And you are loved more than you know.

Mostly importantly, to Jesus, my Savior, thank you.

Merry Christmas!