On Performance

I've been feeling rather weary lately. This whole college thing is starting to drain me and zap my energy levels and in addition, I have this whole set of mental health issues to keep under control. It's exhausting, so I come home most days and all I want to do is sleep, but I am hindered from napping or even going to bed early by what seems to be endless piles of reading, as well as extracurricular and social activities. All of these things are good and normal. 

But there comes a point when I can't actually handle all of this and I get overwhelmed -- usually around the time I start pressuring myself to do everything and to do it really well. This pressure, of course, comes with the fear of disappointing and failing, which paralyzes me. So I try to keep going, pushing myself to do better and try harder and do more, and I inevitably end up failing because the truth of the matter is I cannot do everything and I definitely cannot do everything well. 

The good news is its not about my performance, its not about how much I do, and its not about how well I do things. 

In Primetime on Friday, we looked at how Jesus redefines our performance in John 13: 36-38 (NIV): 

36 Simon Peter asked him, “Lord, where are you going?” Jesus replied, “Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later.” 37 Peter asked, “Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” 38 Then Jesus answered, “Will you really lay down your life for me? Very truly I tell you, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!

When we talk about Simon Peter, we want to throw him under the bus most of the time. But in this moment, all Peter wants is to follow Jesus all the way. But here's the thing about this moment -- Peter is trying to spotlight his own performance, saying "I will lay down my life..."

Peter's performance is not the point. 

Jesus' crucifixion is his greatest moment of glory. This is the point. Because Jesus sacrificed himself for us, absolutely nothing we can do will earn us favor with God. Peter was trying to prove his love and devotion and possibly that he was the greatest disciple by offering to die for Christ. But its not about him. 

Back in the scripture, Jesus says to Peter "Will you really lay down your life for me? ...you will disown me three times!" Peter tried so hard to earn Jesus' favor and to prove his love, and he failed because he made it about him. 

This same thing happens to me -- I try so hard to do everything and do it all well so as to prove myself, but I fail because I am making it about me. I make it about how Sarah can be glorified and how Sarah can be seen as good. But Jesus' performance on the cross is sufficient for me and therefore, I do not have to rely on my own performance to prove my worth or show I am good enough to be deserving of love. 

Which is good, because I fail and will continue to fail. I will probably always make it about me and my performance. But the cross covers that! 

In church on Sunday, we looked briefly at Hebrews 6:17-20 (NIV): 

17 Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 18 God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. 19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20 where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.

Because of Jesus' performance, we have a stable and secure hope in the work and person of Jesus because God promises that, and God does not lie. Therefore, we are no longer tied to our own performance, but anchored to that of Christ. 

So even though I will continue, like Peter, to perform in order to prove my worth and to make it about me, I no longer have to live in fear of failing and not being enough. 

I have the assurance of salvation regardless. I have hope regardless. I am loved regardless.

I am not my performance. I am free. 

Sunday Sermons: Recalculating

Lately I've had a love/hate relationship with church. It seems every Sunday, I sit through the sermon and I leave feeling like I was smacked in the face with some important life truth. This Sunday was no exception, however, I also left questioning my plans to return to college in the fall. Pastor Jeff is doing an excellent job of challenging me in my faith. 

Today's sermon was based on Numbers 22:21-35: 

22 But God was very angry when he went, and the angel of the Lord stood in the road to oppose him. Balaam was riding on his donkey, and his two servants were with him. 23 When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand, it turned off the road into a field. Balaam beat it to get it back on the road.

24 Then the angel of the Lord stood in a narrow path through the vineyards, with walls on both sides. 25 When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it pressed close to the wall, crushing Balaam’s foot against it. So he beat the donkey again.

26 Then the angel of the Lord moved on ahead and stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn, either to the right or to the left. 27 When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat it with his staff. 28 Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

29 Balaam answered the donkey, “You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.”

30 The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?”

“No,” he said.

31 Then the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown.

32 The angel of the Lord asked him, “Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me. 33 The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If it had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now, but I would have spared it.”

34 Balaam said to the angel of the Lord, “I have sinned. I did not realize you were standing in the road to oppose me. Now if you are displeased, I will go back.”

35 The angel of the Lord said to Balaam, “Go with the men, but speak only what I tell you.” So Balaam went with Balak’s officials. 

Pastor Jeff began his sermon by talking about the conspiracy Mapquest, GoogleMaps, YahooMaps, and all other directional websites have to get him lost. (Personally, I just think it's a user error...) Then he spoke about how now, he has a GPS, but sometimes, he still gets lost and when he does, it passive-aggressively complains about the fact it has to recalculate. 

His question was: Is the exasperated recalculating voice our own when we have to shift direction in order to find where we need to go?

We all have goals for our lives--dreams we want to achieve educationally, professionally, personally--and even though we know the directions, we sometimes miss a step or turn or a new situation may arise, be it a health problem, a family problem, or just a door being shut. And in these moments, we find we need to recalculate and this may come with anger, frustration, sadness, annoyance and other emotions. 

In Numbers, Balaam has a special relationship with God. He's going to meed the king of Moab, but God is not super thrilled by that idea, so He sends an angel with a sword to stand in Balaam's path and for some reason only allows Balaam's donkey to see it. The donkey, seeing the danger, diverts the course in order to save Balaam from percieved danger three times, and Balaam, frustrated because he has to recalculate, hits his donkey each time for not staying on course. 

After the third time, the donkey says to Balaam, "WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING HITTING ME?! IT HURTS!" And the donkey and Balaam then argue, until God allows Balaam to see the angel, who explains why the donkey kept averting the course. 

Balaam, now realizing he maybe should not be going to see the kind of Moab, wisely decides he should go home rather than risk his life, but the angel encourages him to go on to meet with Balak, but only if he does what God says. 

Pastor Jeff then began to talk about the journey of faith and how it involves discernment. There are moments when life recalculates us, and in those moments, we need to ask, is God leading us or are we deciding where we go? We need to discern the difference between our voice and God's. We need to be actively figuring our which is which, following the one and leaving the other.

Especially when life seems to recalculate us. We need to turn to God and ask, "Now what?"

This process of discernment means paying attention to the divine messengers God places in our paths--our friends, teachers, mentors, maybe even our donkeys. Who is God asking us to pay attention to? What are the voices saying? Is God asking us to recalculate our plans for our lives or to go ahead with His blessing?

God is always speaking to us in the moments when life recalculates us, not passive aggressively, with exasperation, anger, frustration, or annoyance, but with a voice of love, challenge, and grace.

Ten months ago, my life recalculated me. It sent me home from my dream college to deal with my health and mental illnesses. It took me down a road I never thought I would be on at this point in my life. I still find myself exasperated and saddened I missed out on a semester and a half of college.  

In 22 days, I am planning on moving back to Gettysburg for what should be my junior year of school. And for the past four months or so, I have been having doubts about returning. Others in my life have also been having similar doubts, to which I've put on a brave front, but the truth is... I'm filled with so much anxiety and fear about returning that I'm not sure it's the right decision. If it was the right decision, I'd feel 100% confident in it, wouldn't I? 

And this morning, I was challenged to ask myself another question: Is God leading me or am I the one deciding where I go? 

I honestly don't know. If I look at the could-be messengers God has placed in my path, I am hearing mixed opinions. I'm listening to the voices but I don't know what they're saying to me. 

How do I know who God is speaking through? How do I know if God is telling me to go ahead with the journey I'm on or if He is asking me to recalculate my plans? What if I don't have enough faith to discern any of this? What if I misunderstand God's voice and make the wrong decision? 

I don't know. 

My Identity is in Christ.

In the world of eating disorders, we so often struggle with this thing called identity.  Identity:  a person’s global role in life and the perception of his or her sense of self. Some might simply say that identity is who someone is.  For people who suffer from their eating disorder, they often make their illness their identity.  I am anorexic. I am bulimic.  Instead of I am a person anorexia or bulimia.

I know that this was true for me.  I found my identity in my eating disorder.  I thought of myself as a purging anorexic, as the number on the scale, as the number of calories I ingested or the hours I exercised.  And when I was in treatment, I was a recovering anorexic.  When I reached the point in my treatment when I was weight-restored and eating regularly, I had an identity crisis.  I had for so long defined myself by my disorder that I forgot any other way to define myself.  I had no idea who I was, and a person cannot live like that.  

I struggled for a really long time before I came to find my identity in God.   

Who does God say we are? Looking at Genesis, we can find that we are three things: 

1) Revelation receiver

2) Made to mirror God (Genesis 1:26-27)

2) Blessed to be a blessing (Genesis 1:27)

3) Humbly honored (Genesis 1:26)

Let's explore this a little bit.  As a revelation receiver, we are given the ability to communicate with God and have Him communicate back to us.  We allow God to speak.  As humbly honored, we are more than just mere animals, but not so powerful that we don't need God's help.  

We are made in the image and likeness of God.  Because of this, you are not more valuable or less valuable than anyone else.  All of us equally bare the image and likeness of God.  All of us are made to mirror God. 

As people who are made to mirror God, we are made to do for God exactly what mirrors do for us--reflect the image of our self.  God is loving, forgiving, truthful, merciful, generous... and when we are also loving, forgiving, truthful, merciful, and generous, we are reflecting God.  Just as Jesus did.  Jesus was the perfect, sinless mirror.  We should ask not what this action will make me look like, but how can I reflect who God is.  

We are also blessed to bless.  If you read Genesis 1:27 closely, you can see that Adam and Eve didn't do anything to be blessed by God.  Not a single thing.  God blessed them right from the start and actively loved them with a father's affection.  He began with a blessing.  

The same is true for us.  It begins with the blessing of Jesus.  The blessing of an unchanging identity in who God made us to be and who Jesus is.  Our identity is received, not achieved   And we are continually blessed by God--things He provides like food and clothing, spiritual gifts, lessons that he teaches us--whatever God teaches you, whatever God does for you, whatever God blesses you with is so that you can teach, do, and bless others in return.

If God was the only spiritual being at force in this world, all of those walking with Jesus would be secure in our identity in Him.  But we aren't.  Satan interferes with our ability to believe God's truth.  

See, Satan wasn't satisfied with his identity under God.  He wanted to be just as powerful, if not more powerful, than God.  So he sought his identity elsewhere and now he is a liar and deceiver and killer.  

In Genesis 3:5, Satan offers an alternative identity statement to Eve than the one that she was given by God.  Satan was then and still is now responsible for the lies.  But the lie alone did nothing.  It was Eve's belief in the lie that led to the fall, her sin of commission and Adam's sin of omission, both resulting from believing the lie.  And still today, we are responsible for our belief in the lies that Satan tries to feed us.  

For me and many others who have suffered from eating disorders, a lot of these lies had to do with my worth, my value, my appearance.  I believe lies that said I wasn't good enough, thin enough or pretty enough.  I believe lies that said that if I skipped this meal/purged that/ran for x hours/weighed x amount then I would be loved.  

The true power of a lie is that it doesn't need to be true  to destroy you.  The power is contingent upon our belief in it.  Have you ever noticed how Jesus was able to resist temptation, withstand suffering, and face trials?  I'll give you a hint: he knew his identity.  Over and over in the gospels he comes back to his true identity.  We don't do that.  If I'm thinner, then I'll be loved.  If I drink a little more, I'll be more courageous.  If I get a 4.0 this semester, I'll be successful.  It all comes back to believing lies about our identity. 

But knowing our identity doesn't mean that our lives will be free from pain and suffering.  It only means that our lives will be pain and suffering proof if we put our identity in Christ.  If we remember that God made us.  That Jesus loves us.  That there is no condemnation in Christ.  

Any damage that we do to ourselves, like eating disorders, is rooted in our false understanding of identity.  It's the definition of idolatry given in Ezekiel 14:3--the problem is in our hearts.  The problem is when we take a good thing and make it a God thing.  When we expect our identity to be achieved.  

Our identity is received.  

In the Bible, people are placed into two categories--idolaters and worshipers.  We are made to worship the Creator and steward created things.  Idolatry is what happens when there is an inversion.  

Because idolatry is so deeply entwined with our hearts, people violently defend their idols.  They find them hard to change because they promise something 'better,' like happiness and a perfect life if my weight is x or I look a certain way or earn a certain grade. But idols make promises that they never keep.  They lie to us.  Lies don't bring life; they only bring death.  

We idolize items.  Cars, homes, name brands of jeans, even colleges.  We spend money we don't have to buy things we don't need to impress people we don't know.  

We idolize our duties.  Being a student, a mother, a Christian.  We put doing good things like volunteering and serving into the place of God.  This is bad.  Doing the right thing with the wrong heart is idolizing.  We try to find our thing and then be the best at it because we believe that what we do determines who we are.  This leads to cockiness by many who believe that they are the best and also depression by the many who believe they are failures.  It's exactly the opposite: who you are determines what you do.

We idolize others.  What will they think of me if I do this?  What do they want?  What do they need?  How can I make them happy with me?  I want them to approve.  I want them to like me and never leave me.  I want to make them think this about me.  I want to be included.  I want to be accepted.  I want them to praise me, and if they do that, my life is worth living.  But if they criticize me, I want to die.  It's so common especially among those with eating disorders.  People pleasers...willing to change our identity so that people will like us.  

If you idolize, you will demonize.  I have to be thin to be accepted.  So obviously fat people are not accepted.  Or even at a simpler level: I love Ohio State football.  I hate Michigan.  So if you love U of M, you're the devil.  Or if you think that wearing leggings as pants is acceptable, your the devil.  As if anything contrary to what you believe--or what you think people want you to believe--automatically makes that other person the devil.

We live in a world where we are always creating an identity and someone is always criticizing it.  And all of a sudden, we're becoming people that we aren't.  We are forgetting that our identity is in Christ.  That we are daughters and sons of the King.  That we are already accepted and loved.

Then we idolize our sufferings.  We suffer emotionally. We suffer relationally. We suffer spiritually. We suffer financially. We suffer physically. And when we suffer, either because of sins we commit or others commit against us, we can have our worst day be our defining day.  But here's the thing: you are NOT your worst day.  You're righteousness is in Christ, not you.  

I have anorexia.  I have depression.  I have weak bones.  I am orthostatic.  These are thoughts that I allowed to define me.  But if you really love someone, you cannot allow their suffering to become the source of their identity.  Identity is made in the image and likeness of God.  Yes, these things are a part of me, but they do not define me.  They EXPLAIN me.  

I eat every two hours because I have to follow a meal plan and because I suffer from anorexia.  I isolate myself because I suffer from depression.  I take calcium supplements and watch what I do because I have a low bone density.  I drink caloric beverages and move slowly because otherwise I will pass out.  I love Jesus more because he redeemed me from this.  

We are not our worst days.  We are not the worst things we've done.  We are not the worst things that others have done to us.  We are what Jesus has done for us.  

A lot of times we try to take serving others, we try to take recovering from an eating disorder, we try to take serving others, we try to take good things and put them in God's place.  But good things in God's place are invariably things that fail.  And when, not if, but when we have placed our identity in these thing and when they fail, we will look for someone to blame.  I am a failure.  Look what you've done.  God, You said You loved me.  We become self-centered, other-centered, or God-centered in our blame.  

And when things fall apart, when our identity idolatry fails us, we have two options.  Turn to Jesus.  Admit that we have idols, that we don't allow Him to define our lives.  Or pick a new identity idolatry. 

And as someone who has constantly bounced from one identity idolatry to the next, I'm running to Jesus.  Because in him, I am redeemed.  In him, I am set free.  In him, I am a new creation.  

    

  

Philippians 4:4-9

Last night I can to the realization that I was happy.  Not happy in the superficial I-just-got-a-new-car/pair of jeans/cell phone/whatever way.  But the kind of happy the seeps deep down into the recesses of my soul.  Happy like Narnia after the Long Winter came to an end and the Golden Age began.  Happy like the end of It's a Wonderful Life.  If you don't remember, here's a reminder. :) 

But here's the thing, nothing changed for me. Nothing.  

Nothing and everything is the same.  Because here's what I've learned: 

God provides a joy and peace that exceeds earthly happiness on a far greater scale than anything this world can give me. 

I don't need money or grades or success or a boy or approval.  I don't need any of that.  

Jesus is all that I need.  My God truly is enough. 

This is my mindset:

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." 

Philippians 4:4-9 (MSG)

The Right to Remain Silent

Two days ago, I woke up without a voice.

And for a person like me, who loves to talk with others, feels awkward in silence, and hates not being able to share her opinions, this was an awful thing.  But into my second day, it's turning out not to be so bad after all.

See, I have learned how to use my own made up sign language to express what I need to say.  I have learned that words, although they may provide meaning and description and things, are unnecessary.  And I have learned that the most important part of life is simply to listen.

Not simply to listen to the people around me, but to listen to God.

In the UCC, we like to say that God is still speaking and that you should never place a period where God has placed a comma.  But so often, we forget.

I forget to slow down and listen.
I forget that God is giving me direction, that God is still speaking.
I forget that I am not in control, that God has placed a comma and not a period.

We go about our lives, saying nonsensical things, stammering hurried prayers before exams, speaking words that are without meaning.  We spend so much time talking--to ourselves, to others, to God--that we don't listen.

"Prayer is when you talk to God; meditation is when you listen to God." (Diana Robinson)

Often, we focus so much on prayer, that we forget to meditate.  We forget to listen.

So in this time of voiceless-ness, I am going to listen.  

I don't know what God has to say to me, but I can be certain of one thing.

God is still speaking, even if I cannot. 

I Will Trust.

Trust.
1a : to place confidence : depend
  b : to be confident : hope
2a : to commit or place in one's care or keeping : entrust
  b : to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear or misgiving
3a : to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : believe 
  b : to place confidence in : rely on 
  c : to hope or expect confidently 

SYNONYMS
certainty, belief, faith, assurance, confidence, imply a feeling of security, instinctive unquestioning belief in and reliance upon something, conscious trust because of good reasons, definite evidence, or past experience, to have confidence in the outcome of events, absolute confidence and certainty: to feel an assurance of victory

Trust is hard, especially when something is completely out of your hands.  Especially when it's important to you.  And especially when you doubt.

Yesterday, I submitted my application to work on summer staff.  And I was feeling pretty good about it until today.  I'm not really sure what happened, but I suddenly had an anxiety attack. 'What if I don't get hired back?  What if my emotional-ness last summer is going to stop me from returning?  What if I can't go back to my "home?"'

What if, what if, what if...

What ifs are irrelevant.  It isn't in my control anymore.  It's in God's hands, and I'm pretty sure that He knows what He's doing better than I do.  Look at His promises:

Jeremiah 29: 11
' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future." '

Romans 8: 28
'We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.'

He's totally got this.  He has plans for me!  Does this include summer staff this summer?  I don't know.  But He does. Therefore, I can put my trust solely in the Lord and in His love.  Because He will work all things for good and He will put me where I am supposed to be this summer.  It could be camp, but it could not be camp.  Whatever it is, it is for the glory of God.

Nothing I have is my own.
My talents, my strength, my love... it's all His.
And it's all for His glory.

So I WILL trust in Jesus.  

I refuse to worry.  

I refuse to ask 'What if?' 

I will trust. 

Proverbs 3: 5-6

'Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.' 

Jesus Satisfies.

“We’re all searching for something to fill up what I like to call that big, God-shaped hole in our souls. Some people use alcohol, or sex, or their children, or food, or money, or music, or heroin. A lot of people even use the concept of God itself."

--Tiffanie DeBartolo

Last night at Primetime, Andy spoke on Matthew 14, when Jesus feeds the 5,000 men, plus their women and children.  One thing that he said continues to resonate with me.  He spoke about how we have these things that we continue to hold onto with closed hands--things that we trust in, rely upon, believe in--because at a heart level, we don't believe that Jesus is to be trusted.  

In verses 15-18, Andy spoke about how the disciples didn't want to share the food that they had.  He covered this logically, saying: 

        1. God is sovereign.  Nothing is our own--it is all on loan from God. 

        2. God will take much better care of it than us--if you give it up to the Father, He will return it in perfection, just like our earthly fathers do with our toys. 

        3. The things we trust in will consume our lives.  If they already consume us and we are holding onto them for life, they will destroy us and take our lives.  

In Matthew 14: 20, the Bible says:

'They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.'

So not only did Jesus satisfy, but he left his disciples with more than they had in the first place!  Jesus saw a need--a hunger--in his crowd.  He saw that need and he filled it.  But he didn't just barely quench their hunger, he satisfied them.  Like the kind of satisfied we get after Thanksgiving dinner and he still had leftovers!  

See here's the thing, striving for perfection, for thinness, for grades--none of that brings the satisfaction that Jesus does.  All of these things will dull the hunger, but none will fill it.  

In John 4, Jesus talks about never thirsting again if we drink of the living water that he provides for us.  Jesus satisfies!  

We all have an aching for Jesus, a longing for him.  But we try to fill it with everything but Jesus.  But when we fill it with Jesus, he will satisfy.  When we fill it with Jesus, the cycle will start to break.  We will no longer continue to return to the same place.  

Because Jesus satisfies. 

Struggling.

Why is it that when we struggle, we are so ashamed to let other people know about it? 
Why is it that we have such a fear of failure?
Why is it that it is so easy to lie and to shut down when we struggle? 

Today, I was having dinner with a very wonderful sister.  And one of the first questions out of her mouth was:  "How are you?" 

I'm okay.

That was such a lie. 

She knew it.  I knew it.  God knew it. 

But here's the thing, even when she asked me about something very close to the thing I was struggling with, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth about what's been going on in my life. 

Because the truth is scary.

It's so much easier to hide from the pain.  To take a pill to make me numb and not have to work this all out.  To hide from people so that they won't notice that I'm not okay.  To comfort someone else, when it's you who needs the comforting. 

Let's be honest here: 

Life is hard.  And it hurts.  And gosh darn it, we need each other. 

But living authentically, saying what is in our hearts, what is paining us, what we are struggling with, it sucks. 

Because what if that means I'm failing? 

What if that means you won't love me? 

What if that means that I'm not who you want me to be? 

But here's the thing about eating disorders and depression: 

Your recovery grows in proportion to your level of honesty and communication with those around you who love you.

There are no secrets in recovery. 

And there should be no secrets between sisters.

Especially when you know that they will only continue to love you.

So here goes nothing. 

I'm struggling. 

I'm struggling with my depression and eating disorder. 

I'm struggling with being around people and being social. 

I'm struggling with asking for help. 

I'm struggling with admitting to myself that I may still need help.  

I'm struggling with the idea of Jesus. 

I'm struggling with shame. 

I'm struggling with my view of myself. 

I'm struggling with my view of others. 

And I'm hurting. 

So very much. 

There's this voice in my head that tells me that I need to have this together right now. That I either need to have all of this together or that I need to allow myself to completely relapse into the point of not functioning so that it would be more acceptable that I am struggling. 

What kind of twisted thinking is this? 

Friends, I'm struggling and I'm hurting. 

I need you to know that. 

And I need you to know that I'm struggling to reach out and tell you that.  

That I don't know how to say those words to you.  

That I don't know how to say that I need Jesus, that I don't know how to say that I'm failing, that I don't know how to be okay. 

And somehow, this all has to be okay with me. 

I have to make peace with the fact that I struggle and will continue to struggle. 

I have to learn how to not be ashamed of being that girl who is in a continual fight with herself and her demons. 

Will I stop feeling this way? 

Will I ever stop struggling? 

I don't have the answers. 

I just have to keep walking through this mess. 

To keep struggling. 

And maybe, just maybe, this will all one day be a distant memory. 

One can always hope.

Where Is Our Joy?

A friend of mine asked this today: 

"Why aren't Christians happy? We have the greatest news wrapped in the greatest savior who made the greatest sacrifice so we could have a great purpose, a great hope, and a great Father. WHERE IS THE JOY?"

It was this last question that stuck out at me. Where is our joy? If you look at the facts, we have everything. No, our lives are not perfect. But we aren't starving. We have roofs over our head, clothes on our body, shoes on our feet. We just came out of a season of giving, of joy, of celebration because our savior was born. 

Where is our joy?

Have we forgotten that we are sinners, born in sin, and that we deserve to die? But not just die, have we forgotten that we deserve eternal separation from love, from hope, from peace, from God in Hell? Have we forgotten that God came to us in human form? That He took on our pain, our suffering, our failures, our shame... He took on all of the sin and evil in this world and put it to death by dying for us? Have we forgotten that God died the most shameful and painful death in order that we may live forever with Him? Have we forgotten that Jesus conquered death? That we will live with God forever? Have we forgotten that we are children of the King Most High? That we are loved? 

Where is our joy? 

We dare to ask that question. 

Why, when we have everything, why are do we not have joy? 

It's because we have forgotten. 

We have forgotten that loving God, that having a relationship with Him, is radical. This is not normal. It is not normal to be unconditionally loved by the Creator of the Universe. It's not normal for God to take on human flesh and die for our sins. It's not normal for God to chase us while we continually fail and don't care about it. 

Where is our joy?

Our joy is at the cross. We left it there. We took the comfort and relief and love that comes from knowing that we are beloved children of the God Most High. We went to church. We read the Bible. We prayed. We did what we were supposed to do.

Where is our joy?

We have made God so second-nature. We forget how radical His love truly is. We forget that God is a big deal. Francis Chan, the author of Crazy Love, says it best: 

“The core problem isn’t the fact that we’re lukewarm, halfhearted, or stagnant Christians. The crux of it all is why we are this way, and it is because we have an inaccurate view of

God. We see Him as a benevolent Being who is satisfied when people manage to fit Him into their lives in some small way. We forget that God never had an identity crisis. He knows that He’s great and deserves to be the center of our lives.” 

Do you know how crazy God's love is? Is God at the center of your life? Are you going to Him daily, drinking deeply of His hope and joy, and loving Him fully?

Or have you forgotten how radical God really is? 

Where is our joy?

In the Creator.

Not in the creation. 

Not in this world. 

Our joy lies in the radical love of God. 

In a love that cannot be made normal because there is nothing normal about it.

Our joy is in the cross.

Resolving to Live a New, God-driven Life.

It's the New Year. The time when everyone is making New Year's Resolutions... vowing to lose weight, save money, be a better person. Well. I hate giving into peer pressure, but I have some resolutions to make. Although, I think that I will call them guidelines, because ultimately, I do not dictate who I am. God is in control. He might have a better plan for me. 

But here it is in no particular order: 

2013 New Year's Guidelines (Or things that I think I should be doing)

1. Put God first. 

2. Affirm myself. Find things that I like about myself and remind myself where I stand in God's eyes.

3. Surround myself with positive people and supports and get rid of those who aren't.

4. Recognize and respond to my needs. 

5. Nurture myself in ways that do not involve food or other people. 

6. Be more mindful. 

7. Learn yoga. 

8. Seek help when it is needed or before it is needed. 

9. Write more. 

10. Be active. 

11. Eat more veggies. 

12. Make someone else's day. 

13. Get out of bed. 

14. Make time to spend alone with Jesus. 

15. Make and keep a budget.

16. Catch negative self talk. 

17. Procrastinate less. 

18. Keep drama in perspective. 

19. Say no. 

20. Learn how to knit. 

21. Start a tradition. 

22. Take care of myself.

23. Live life in the present. 

24. Spend some time without technology. 

25. Enjoy nature more. 

26. Explore. 

27. Spend time with friends and really get to know them. 

28. Make a bucket list and start to accomplish it. 

29. Keep in touch with old friends. 

30. Be grateful. 

New Year, Same Hope: God Never Changes.

It is now officially 2013. 

What? I thought that 2012 just began! At least, that's what it seemed like to me. But hey, time is  one thing that consistently changes. That's one thing that I have definitely learned--life ALWAYS goes on. It doesn't matter what the issue is...death, depression, loss of friendship, whatever. It goes on. 

And it's not just the bad that time overcomes. It's the good, too. Good times will not last. The first blissful days of orientation and freedom only last until classes and real work begins. The feeling of acing an exam only lasts until you realize you have another in a few weeks. Reunion with old friends only lasts until they have to go back to school and you are left at home, alone. 

Time changes. Constantly. Every second, every minute... It counts. 

But here's the thing: GOD IS CONSTANT.

My God never changes. Ever. His LOVE is constant. His HOPE remains. He REIGNS forever. 

God does not care about time. He doesn't even measure it the same way that we do. 1000 years are like one day to God. So why do we make such a big fuss over the coming of the next year? 

It really does not matter. At all. 

Why do we wait until January 1 to make resolutions? 

The thing is: we have a new day every day of the year. We have a new beginning every day. A fresh start. 

So why wait? 

We can choose to change at any time during the year. We can vow to love more, to worship more, to seek the Lord more at any time. We can resolve to change every day, every hour, every minute. 

Resolutions bother me. I was watching New Year's Rocking Eve with my family tonight, and according to Facebook polls, the top five resolutions are: 

1. Lose weight. 

2. Get organized.

3. Spend less, save more.

4. Enjoy life to the fullest.

5. Stay fit and healthy.

Seriously, people? There is so much messed up in our world and we are focused on ourselves?! 

Personally, my resolution for 2013 is simply this: I resolve to let God change me and use me however that He wants. Because ultimately, He is in control of my life. He changes us. We do not change ourselves. 

God never changes. He is always in control. Of time. And of change. So 2013... Bring it on. My God NEVER changes. 

Happy New Year, everyone!